Spoiler Alert: I didn’t find myself while traveling.
I set out to travel indefinitely to find myself but I came home just over 5 month later with a depleted bank account and feeling more lost than ever.
Was it from watching Eat, Pray, Love as an impressionable teenager? The countless vlogs and blogposts that inspired wanderlust? Maybe it was the selfies from exotic destinations that I scrolled through on instagram?
I’m not sure what inspired my notions but I had this vision; this dream that traveling would get me out of my extended quarter life crisis and magically find myself.
(Thinking back on it now, I am a total idiot for ever thinking that. I mean seriously. A total impressionable idiot.)
A 5 Year Rut?
I’ve always considered myself a reasonably motivated person. I did pretty good in school, and when I actually tried I might even excel at things. While I’ve always been multi-passionate and a bit scattered, I’ve always managed to do alright for myself.
So when my super exciting move to Canada was shortly followed by a rut and an extended quarter life crisis (that I feared would linger up until I was ready for my impending midlife crisis), I was worried.
Ticking all the Boxes
And it wasn’t like I wallowed all day everyday and didn’t do anything to get out of that rut. On the contrary, from an outsider’s point of view, it may even look like I was doing pretty good. I mean I:
- went to the gym and worked out 4-5x a week
- meal prepped and made healthy home cooked meals every single day
- discovered photography and became obsessed with it
- began working with social profit organizations including Habitat for Humanity
- discovered the world of non-fiction and reignited my love for reading
- bought a starter house in my early 20s
- found the love of my life: a miniature schnauzer named Kevin
- travelled around Alberta and BC
- got a camper to travel even more
Truly, I had a good, privileged life. I had more than I could or should have ever wanted. But as cliche as this sounds (and it really is), I felt empty.
Is this Fake Happy?
I had this wonderful life: it was exactly the life I always thought I should aim for. It was the kind of life that someone who has their shit together should have. My life ticked all the major requirements for Responsible Adulting 101.
So what in the actual f*ck was I so unhappy about? And why did I feel like I was stuck in a massive sinkhole of a rut?
Why was I seeing both my therapist and psychiatrist more frequently than I saw friends? Why did I have to take medication just to feel anything; just to have the slightest desire to get out of bed?
F*ck Adulthood
I think I was mad at both the world and myself for being depressed and anxious all the time. It felt unfair that despite having always tried to do things right, I was still stuck and unhappy.
I had this idea of how a responsible, conscientious adult life was supposed to be and that’s what I’ve worked hard to build. Yet I was still incredibly and profoundly miserable every single day.
So I decided to take a break from life. F*ck it.
Almost as if a sign of defiance, I stopped going to the gym and cooking. I stopped doing all the things that I felt I had to do as an adult and instead spent all day everyday playing video games. And showers? Fuck that, I’m trying to save the planet one missed shower at a time.
I was a sad caricature of what depression looks like. Life was suffering. 🙄
This went on for a couple of years. No, it wasn’t just a few weeks or months. I carried on like this for a couple of years.
I knew I had to snap myself out of it. And I was willing to try anything.
Wanderlust! Travel has the answers!
After spending an entire year working an average of 16 hour days on side hustles, I started 2018 with just over 5,000 dollars in my bank account and a plan to travel the world indefinitely.
I have obsessively planned this trip. Whenever I wasn’t toiling away at work, I scoured the internet; researching countries and cities. I did everything from reading blogs to watching videos; Guidebooks and travel magazines quickly became my entertainment of choice. I devoured any and every piece of information I could find about long-term travel and even looked into the digital nomad lifestlyle.
In my mind, I was setting myself up for a life of travel, where I would maybe finally hopefully find my true amazing self. I would do great things and it will be nothing short of magical.
Late Febuary 2018, I set out to conquer the world—well, Southeast Asia since that was all I could afford. But baby steps! Soon enough I will find my tribe and venture further, right?
It was gonna be my year and it will be amazing.
Not a Magical Conclusion
Just over 5 months later, I was at Vancouver International Airport, sitting on a trolley crying.
My flight from Taiwan to Vancouver was late, which made me miss my connecting flight from Vancouver to Edmonton. This meant I had to spend over 8 hours in the airport, for a total travel time of over 30 hours.
“I just want to go home.” I caught myself saying.
Needless to say I did not find myself. Apparently, travel isn’t the magical cure-all pill I was hoping for.
While I had a collection of instagram-worthy photos and picture perfect backgrounds, I was still unhappy. It seems I failed to find myself.
